I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
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welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough