I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
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your honor my client chooses dare
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
no one likes gloating