When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
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i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Planet of the Apps.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?