I’m just playing devils avocado here
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*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Simple enough.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Netflix and scream at our children?!
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.