[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
You Might Also Like
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we鈥檝e been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 馃槈
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won鈥檛 be seeing that guy again!
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
doctor: I鈥檝e written you a prescription here. Follow that and let鈥檚 check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn鈥檛 we鈥檒l know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Never let kids google names of Pok茅mon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Sometimes I鈥檒l watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom馃嵎: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X鈥檚el, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*