[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
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Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
(True)
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP