*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
You Might Also Like
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.