When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
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An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Noted.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
a badder mouse
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same