*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
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My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Whoa 😂
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A