If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
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“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
welp
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
This is not me but this is me
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday