“TGIM!” – My liver
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Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”