Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
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fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.