What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
You Might Also Like
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Maths meets science
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous