Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
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[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?