I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
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My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click