[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
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ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Webb. James Webb.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Is your wife single?
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the