Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
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My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.