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*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*