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At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I’d … I’d rather not.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
😎 🍻
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.