Penguins walking in 5x speed
You Might Also Like
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
two people or more is called a problem