Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
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BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair