Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
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[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
We need more people like this.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Encore…
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”