All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
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Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.