Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
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If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Succinctly put.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I didn’t come here to be called names
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing