I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
You Might Also Like
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I finally found a reason to live again.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house