[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
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The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …