“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
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Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.