look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
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Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
A short story about romance.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician