You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
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“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one