Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
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inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice