5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
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You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages