The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
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Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
i’m still crying at this
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?