I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
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I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
S M O L
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
They got Raph!
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?