My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
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I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..