Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
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Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I think about this a lot
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
*frowns in Scottish*
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
can’t catch a break
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!