When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
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Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
boat question