I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
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Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
This could’ve been an email.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies