please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
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Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.