I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
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*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.