If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
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I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
hear me out : pockets for your socks