If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
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Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it