The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
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Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Facebook Twitter
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.