Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
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A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”