My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
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Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Ummm
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked