“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
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[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
not seeing the problem
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes