I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
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Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
*Seductively hides in the woods
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.