I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
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Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
what’s more important?
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her