I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
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People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.