I come from a time of excessive Durans.
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My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.