Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
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I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My blood type is coffee.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *